


Think I like you best when you're just with me

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Bad Parent John Winchester, Coming Out, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Esteem Issues, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 22:04:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19071583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Dean has spent years struggling to get over the abuse his father inflicted on him when he found out he was gay. When Sam comes home from college, and insists on having all of his old friends over, Dean will be forced to see Castiel again for the first time since he got sober. Now all he has to do is try and forget the embarrassing way he acted at John Winchester's funeral as well as the all-consuming crush he has always had on Cas.





	Think I like you best when you're just with me

**Author's Note:**

> TWs for internalised homophobia, homophobic language, mentions of physical child abuse, self-hatred, and mentioned alcoholism, but it all ends with a happy ending, I promise!  
> Title from the Cigarettes After Sex song "K."

Dean didn’t mind Sam having all his old school friends over. It was natural that he’d missed them while he was in California and it was quite normal for them all want to meet up now that they’d all graduated from college. It wasn’t that he didn’t like them – Sam’s friends were lovely. Dean liked Garth and Viktor well enough, he really liked Charlie and Kevin, and he’d known Jo since she was born. Cas… Well, Cas was a whole different matter. He was a couple years older than Sam, they’d met at a book signing a couple towns over and was closer to Dean in age and Dean maybe (definitely) had always had a bit of a crush on him. So it wasn’t that Dean didn’t like them, it’s just that he hadn’t spent much time around them since Sam’s high school days which was before John had died which was… not a great time for him personally. So yeah, Dean wasn’t exactly excited that they’d all been coming over, but Sam had delivered a long, emotional speech about how this was the first time they were all back at the same time and could they please have a barbecue at their house to celebrate. Dean had never been able to say no to Sam’s puppy eyes – especially now that he’d come home from Stanford with Jess in tow, whose puppy eyes were pretty lethal too.

So now Dean was stringing up fairy lights in the backyard he’d worked hard to turn into an actual garden with flowers and a pond in the three years since John’s death, trying desperately to forget that the last time he’d seen most of Sam’s friends was the day of their dad’s funeral where he’d gotten drunk, thrown up next to the grave, and then passed out face first in the potato salad at the wake.

“Looks good, kid.” Bobby says from the gate, where he’s surveying the tables and chairs Dean’s set up for dinner.

Dean climbs down the ladder and shoots Bobby a grin as he comes into the garden. “Thanks, I tried my best. It’s important to Sam, so y’know…” He trails off, wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans.

Bobby raises an eyebrow. “Not just important for him though is it? The funeral was the last time you saw some of those kids right?” Dean nods. “And they’re all coming? Charlie and Jo? Cas?”

Dean goes red. “Yeah, yeah. They’re all… they’re all coming.”

“Right. And you’re not at all nervous about that, which is why you’ve been bouncing around like some unholy cross between a frog and a rabbit?”

Dean huffs a laugh and Bobby smiles into his beard. “It’s just… I know what I used to be like. I know Sam was embarrassed of me, probably hated me for a while too. I don’t want to ruin things for him any more than I have already.”

Bobby looks like he’s about to say something kind during which he repeatedly calls Dean an idjit but he’s prevented from doing so by the sound of doors slamming and Sam leading a crowd of people into the garden.

They haven’t changed as much as Dean thought they would have. Kevin looks slightly more relaxed and Charlie has swapped her long hair in favour of a stylish bob, but apart from that, Jo looked her same old tomboy self, and Garth and Viktor just looked a bit older. Sam was busy introducing them all to Jess who was looking radiant in a yellow sundress, when the gate swung open again. Dean only looks up because he was still waiting on Ellen to bring over some more beer – except instead of seeing the woman who had practically raised him and given him more than a few stern lectures, he looks up and sees:

“Cas!” Sam yells excitedly and hurried over to pull his friend into a hug. Dean just about chokes on his tongue, because he may have sort of maybe been very, very attracted to Cas when he was a pretty eighteen year old who was all cheekbones and blue eyes, but now… Now Cas still had ridiculously blue eyes and amazing bone structure, but he had also filled out so that he had the kind of body that would make a sculptor weep and has acquired a healthy tan.

“Close your mouth son, you’re drooling.” Bobby whispers and Dean glares at him, turning back to the ladder – one of the strings of lights has come off the tree. He climbs up as quickly as he can in an attempt to get away from Bobby’s laughter. He’s just finished resecuring them to the branch when he hears Bobby – very pointedly and very loudly – say: “Hey Castiel.”

Dean absolutely does not squeak, but he does take a moment to calm his breathing before he climbs back down the ladder.

“Hello Dean.” He hears Castiel say as he turns around and Dean does his best not to blush.

He offers Cas an uneasy smile. “Hey Cas.”

Cas is holding a plate of food as he smiles openly at Dean. “The place looks great. Your father would be proud.”

Dean hears Bobby suck in a breath through his teeth and he looks down at his feet. “Um, yeah no, he probably wouldn’t be.” He risks a glance up at Cas who is blinking adorably at him confusion. It makes something in Dean’s chest ache, because he knows Cas meant well, but John had never once been proud of anything Dean did – not since he became what John liked to call a “no-good faggot” – and he certainly wouldn’t like the lupines Dean had planted along the fence. Cas looks like he doesn’t know what to say and Bobby has shuffled off to greet Ellen, so Dean just shoots Cas another awkward smile. “Look, Cas… it was – it was great to see you again but… I should um… go? I have a… thing. At the Roadhouse. Sorry.”

Cas starts to say something but Dean is already halfway across the yard. He grimaces apologetically at Sam as he walks past and before he knows it he’s gunning the Impalas engine.

 

* * *

 

Ash looks surprised when Dean comes stalking into the Roadhouse. “Deano, thought you had people over? Ellen left a while ago to go to yours.”

Dean throws himself onto a barstool and buries his face in his arms and groans. “Ash? Can I get some pie please?”

“Sure bud, what flavour?”

Dean looks up long enough to say: “All of them.”, before hiding his face again.

Ash whistles through his teeth in recognition of his black mood and shuffles off to get Dean’s food.

“Ash, I actually love you.” Deans groans when someone appears at his elbow a couple of minutes later. He looks up expecting to see a delicious, pain-dulling dessert. Instead, he sees… Cas.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel says, sitting on the stool next to him.

Dean hastily sits up straight. “Oh, hi Cas.”

“So, you left in kind of a hurry.” Cas says, and Dean flushes. Thankfully he’s spared having to answer by Ash arriving with his pie.

“Here you go Deano, we only had apple, cherry, and blueberry left, but you’ve got one each there.” Ash announces.

“Thanks man, you’re the best.”

Ash throws him a wink, then slides a glass of soda down the bar. It’s Coke mixed with Sprite and Ash likes to joke it’s the only mixed drink left that Dean is allowed to drink now he’s sober.

“Got you your usual too.” He says and Dean throws him a grateful smile.

Cas raises his eyebrows critically. “Is that really appropriate?”

Dean ducks his head, remembering the embarrassment of having Cas drag him upstairs at his father’s wake. Ash is not suffering from the same feeling that is keeping Dean quiet and glares at Cas.

“It’s soda. Dean’s been sober three years now.” He says coldly.

Castiel looks shocked, but quickly regains his composure. “I’m sorry Dean, I know Sam mentioned it. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Dean can honestly say that he has never seen Ash looking this disgusted.

“Ash it’s okay, I’m fine.” Dean says and Ash mutters something, but shuffles off to the other side of the bar, where one of the regulars Rufus, is glaring at them – or more specifically at Cas.

Dean starts digging into his pie, unsure of what to say. He eats fast enough that he knows it’s going to give him a sore stomach, but he doesn’t stop until Cas puts a gentle hand on his wrist.

“Dean, I really am sorry. Sam said you stopped drinking a while ago, but we haven't really spoken in a while and when you came here straight away I thought – It doesn’t matter, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. You should be very proud of yourself.” Cas says sincerely.

Dean swallows. “Um, thanks Cas. But I’m fine. You should go back to the party. Sam’s probably wondering where you went.”

Castiel frowns. “You don’t think he’s wondering about you?”

“Not likely.” Dean snorts. “He knows I’m here, eating my way through Ellen’s pie stock.”

“Well, just because he knows where you are, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you to be with him. You should come back with me.” Cas says, his brow creased in concern.

Dean swallows another overlarge bite of pie. “Ah no. It’s probably for the best if I don’t. Already ruined enough of his events. As you know.”

“I wouldn’t say your father’s funeral was Sam’s event.” Cas says quietly.

Dean shrugs. “More his than mine, Dad actually liked Sam. Most of the people who came were Sam’s friends, Sam organised the whole thing, Pastor Gordon thought it was best that Sam do the eulogy since… well, he agreed with my dad about me – don’t know which one of them hated me more. Wasn’t much point in me being there really, would’ve been better if I wasn’t.”

Dean can feel Cas staring at him and turns back to his pie. “Dean, you can’t really believe that. People were there for you too, just because Sam organised things and did the eulogy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have been there.” When Dean doesn’t say anything, Cas keeps talking. “And your dad… him and the pastor didn’t hate you, they can’t have done.”

Dean sniffs, scraping the last of the pie off his plate. “Pretty sure you’re wrong there, Cas.”

“No, Dean –“ Cas starts and Dean sighs.

“Enough Cas. No offence, but shouldn’t you be getting back to Sam’s party instead of watching an ex-alcoholic with daddy issues stuff his face with pie.” Dean says forcefully.

Cas looks hurt, but he nods. “You’re right, I should… I should go.”

“Yeah, um, I’ll be home in a couple hours so… I’ll probably see you later.”

Cas gives him a small smile. “Sure Dean.”

Dean absolutely does not watch him walk away, but the minute Cas is gone, he calls for Ash to bring him more pie.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean takes a deep breath as he parks the Impala in the drive. He’d always liked Cas, from the minute Sam brought him over the first time, Dean had liked him. Liked the way he was quiet when the others were loud, liked the way his blue eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled, liked how he kept Sam grounded and knew how to stay out of the way when John was in one of his moods. So Dean had always liked Cas and from the minute John saw them together in the same room he knew. Knew what Dean was and who he wanted and decided to beat it out of him. Dean hid the bruises by hanging out with the wrong crowd and drowned the pain in as much alcohol as he could stomach at seventeen and when Sam brought his friends over he either went out or ignored them, because that’s the only way he could stop himself from looking at Cas and stop John from looking at him like he was the shit on the sole of his dad’s boot.

It was a relief when they all graduated and prepared to leave for college. John had made it clear from when they were young that Sam was the one who would be going to college, not Dean – it’s what his mother would have wanted, John used to say. Dean was the stupid one, the one who’d never get out of that town, the one who’d always be alone. By the time Sam was packed and ready to go to California, Dean was twenty-two, a part-time mechanic who was half in love with Cas, and doing his best to kill himself of liver failure.

Sam gave him a pitying look, that Dean returned as a glare. Sam wasn’t an idiot, but at eighteen he was still a little selfish and focussed on getting away from Kansas and Dean was very good at hiding things. All Sam saw was his older brother who could never be bothered to apply himself at school and was slowly ending up exactly like their dad. A part of Dean thinks that’s how Sam still sees him, the fuck up who’d only been able to claw his way to sobriety with the help of their Uncle Bobby.

Dean shakes his head to rid himself of the thoughts his therapist has been trying very hard to train him out of and climbs out of the Impala. The evening air is warm and smells like fresh cut grass as Dean walks around the side of the house to where the barbecue is still in full swing.

Dean reinserts himself into the party as if he’d never left and laughs as Ellen gives him a knowing look when he turns down the steak Bobby offers him. Cas doesn’t approach him, but Dean can feel him staring, no matter where they are in the garden.

It’s making him nervous and he digs into his pocket for his smokes while he listens to Kevin talking about his plans for a PhD.

“Ugh Dean, come on. Don’t do that here.” Sam yells from where he’s standing with Jess and Charlie, glaring at the lit cigarette in Dean’s hand. “You know I hate the smell.”

Dean rolls his eyes, getting to his feet. “Sorry Kev, I’ll go finish this on the porch. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Kevin gives him an understanding smile as Dean flips Sam off. He saunters round to the front of the house, blowing the smoke out between his lips. He sits on the front steps and closes his eyes, enjoying the warmth of the setting sun shining on his face. It’s so nice that he decides to stay just a moment longer. He’s just lit his second cigarette and leaned back against the steps again when a shadow falls across the porch. He looks up, squinting against the light to see Cas.

“Hello Dean.” Cas says for the third time that day. “May I sit?” Dean nods shuffles over to make room for Cas, who plops down next to him and immediately plucks the cigarette from between his fingers. Dean blushes as Cas takes a long drag and grins at him, smoke pouring from his nose like a dragon.

They pass the cigarette back and forth in companionable silence, until eventually Cas speaks. “So, when did you decide to… change?”

Dean huffs a sardonic laugh. “You mean, when did I decide to stop drinking myself to death and actually do something with my life?”

Cas shrugs. “If that’s how you want to put it.”

“Well, there’s something about face-planting into a bowl of potato-salad at your father’s wake in front of the entire town that really makes you re-evaluate things.”

This time Cas is the one who laughs, it’s rough and quiet and makes Dean blush. “You know, I’m surprised you actually remember that.”

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t really. All I remember is the church service and you dragging me upstairs and trying to clean the mayo off my face, because Sam was too upset.”

Cas stiffens. “That’s it? What about after I cleaned you up?”

Dean’s stomach is twisting at the way Cas is looking at him. “Was there anything else? I’m sorry, I don’t remember any more than that.”

Cas shakes his head. “No, no it’s… it’s fine.” He’s quiet for a moment, then says: “So, you and Ash?”

“We’re friends. I go to the Roadhouse a lot, so we kind of hang out there. Why?” Dean frowns.

Castiel looks surprised. “Oh, sorry I just… He seemed really protective so I thought...”

“Oh. No. We’re just… we’re just friends. I’m… I’m not…” Dean didn’t think he was that obvious. He thought it was only his dad who had been able to tell, had been able to know just what was wrong with him. But clearly Cas could as well – and now he might tell Sam. What if Sam felt the same way John did, the same way Pastor Gordon did when he told Dean his sinful ways were what sent his father to an early grave. Fuck. He needs to get out of there, needs another cigarette, needs a fucking drink. His hands are shaking as he tries to pull another cigarette out of the box. He can’t seem to get it lit, the tip of it moving about too much in his unsteady hands.

“Dean.” Cas keeps saying his name and Dean wishes he would stop. “Dean it’s okay, it’s okay. Just – stop, just let me do it.” Cas takes the cigarette and the lighter off him and then hands him back the lit cigarette. Dean takes a couple of desperate drags, willing the nicotine to calm his nerves. He doesn’t even notice that Cas is slowly rubbing a hand up and down his back until his hand moves higher and he starts rubbing gentle circles into Dean’s neck. He’s still talking, saying quiet, meaningless little things like “it’s okay” and “you’re alright”. Dean finishes his cigarette and tries to get to his feet because he should get out of there before Cas tells Sam, but Cas just pulls him back down.

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” he asks, his voice radiating calm.

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t know, I just. I should go.”

“Go where?”

Dean buries his face in his hands because Cas is right, he doesn’t have anywhere to go. Five years ago he would have just gone to the nearest bar, but now? Where can he go now that won’t disappoint everyone he loves?

“Dean?” Cas asks. His hand has found its way to the back of Dean’s neck again. “You’re okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry I asked about Ash alright. It’s just that Sam had mentioned you hadn’t really dated anyone since high school and I thought maybe… I just hoped you’d found someone to be happy with.”

Dean snorts a cynical laugh, as he wipes away traitorous tears. “People like me don’t get to be happy, Cas. And if we did, it wouldn’t be with Ash. I – I’m not… I’m not like that.”

Cas’ hand stills briefly, before returning to its comforting movement on Dean’s skin. “If that’s true, then that’s okay. And if it isn’t… well that’s okay too.”

Dean shakes off Cas’ hand. “It’s not okay, Cas. It’s never been okay. John Winchester didn’t raise a fucking fag. He beat it into me enough times to know that.”

Cas looks shocked. “Oh Dean, I’m so sorry.”

Dean lets out a harsh sob as everything from the past decade comes crashing down on him. “I know I was a shit brother to Sam and he deserved better. But John was an even shitter father and it’s taken me a really long fucking time to get to the point that I realised that I deserved better to.”

Cas’ arms are around him and before he knows what’s happening he’s being pulled against Cas’ chest. “You do, you deserve everything Dean. I’m sorry I didn’t notice, that I didn’t know.”

Dean wipes his face. “It’s okay, no one did.”

“No, I should have known. You… something you said at the funeral.”

Dean stiffens. “What did I say at the funeral?”

Cas tightens his grip on him. “It was when I was trying to get you to bed – once the mayo was off your face that is – and you kept… you kept telling me to go, because John was coming back and he wouldn’t like it if he found me in your room. I didn’t think – I thought it was just because you were so drunk you forgot he was dead and John never seemed to like me that much. I should’ve realised what you meant. That he wouldn’t have reacted well to finding you there with a man.”

“No that was… it was because of that, but also… because it was you.” Dean says, disentangling himself from Cas who frowns at him.

“Because it was me?”

Dean sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face. “It wasn’t your fault, it’s just… you’re how he knew.”

Cas tilts his head. “How who knew what?”

“He, um, my dad. He found out I was… fuck, that I was gay because… I, I liked you and I kept staring at you and he somehow knew.”

Cas stares at him and Dean has the overwhelming urge to hide his face. “That’s why you stopped spending time with us? Why you always left when I came over?”

Dean nods. “Yeah I, I didn’t want to but… it was, he was angrier if he thought I was, um, ‘drooling over some pretty boy like a fucking fairy’. That’s uh, what he used to say. So it was just, it was just easier to stay away.”

“Oh god.” Cas breathes. “That’s why. All this time – does Sam know?”

“No!” Dean says. “No, he doesn’t. I was careful Cas, he couldn’t know, so I never let him know.”

Cas reaches out a soothing hand. “It’s okay, I’m sorry.” Dean nods and Cas relaxes a little next to him. “I can’t believe all this time… I used to think you were such a jerk that even if you wanted to, I wouldn’t let you kiss me.” he mutters.

Dean turns his head to look at him so fast that he gets a crick in his neck. “What?”

Cas goes a brilliant shade of red and laughs. “Oh come on, you know what you looked like when you were twenty and came home from Bobby’s garage all sweaty and covered in motor oil. Did you think it was a coincidence that I was always at your house for dinner even though I lived two towns over?”

“You liked me?” Dean whispers incredulously. Something in his face must be showing just how shocked he is because Cas stops laughing.

“Oh Dean.” Cas says quietly. “I think I was half in love with you the first time I met you. And when you were, well, when you were going through everything and I’d get emails at college from Sam telling me about how he hated you being drunk so often – even then I don’t think I was over you.”

Dean blinks, because he can’t really be sitting on his porch steps listening to the man he’d spent the last eight years pining over, telling him that he used to like him. “Well, I’m sorry I missed my chance.” He says, trying not to let his disappointment show.

Cas shakes his head. “I’m not.”

Dean swallows, feeling like he’s been gut punched. “Right, well…” He looks down at his feet, trying to figure out if he could take off for a second time in one night.

“Dean.” Cas’ voice is so kind it makes something in his chest ache. “Dean look at me, please.”

Dean looks up and has just enough time to think that Cas is awfully close, before Cas is kissing him, both hands cupping Dean’s face. It’s soft and so gentle that Dean kind of wants to cry. He carefully wraps his arms around Cas’ waist, wanting to hold him just once before this all goes away – because undoubtedly it will.

“Dean?” Cas asks quietly when he pulls away. He strokes his thumbs along Dean’s cheeks which suddenly feel very wet. “Why are you crying?”

Dean shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

“Is this the first time you’ve kissed a man?”

Dean nods and Cas smiles, pulling him in for another kiss. “You’re okay, Dean. You’re allowed to have this.”

“I… really?”

“Yes Dean, you are. You deserve everything you never got to have these past few years.”

Dean knows he’s shaking again, but this time Cas just pulls him into a proper hug, letting him bury his face in his neck. Cas strokes his hair and presses the occasional kiss to his neck until he’s calmed down enough to sit up again.

“I just – Cas I don’t know how this works. I’ve never. I never even dreamed I could have something like this. And you, you live in a different state and I’ve never even told Sam that… what if he thinks the same way as my dad?” Dean asks, fumbling for yet another cigarette.

“Well, you don’t have to know everything, there’s two people in a relationship. And I’m actually moving back to Kansas. I got a job as an English teacher at the high school here in town. I’m here for another week apartment hunting. As for Sam… I really don’t think he’ll have a problem with it. Charlie’s gay and Sam never minded that, right?”

Dean nods slowly. “That’s true… And you’re really moving back here? For good?”

Cas smiles. “For the foreseeable future, yes.”

“What about while you’re looking for apartments? Where are you staying?” Dean really, really doesn’t want to sound desperate but he isn’t entirely sure that he can stop touching Cas now that he’s started.

Cas tilts his head, a slow smile spreading on his face. “Well for tonight Sam asked us all to stay here, he said he’d cleared that with you?”

Dean nods. “Oh yeah, I remember him saying something about that.”

Cas scoots closer, one arm snaking around Dean’s waist. “And as for the rest of the week, well, I thought I’d check into a hotel, but I could make other arrangements if necessary.”

“Yeah?” Dean asks, smiling.

Cas nods. “Yeah.” And then he’s flung one leg over both of Dean’s repositioning himself so that he’s straddling him. Dean draws a shuddering breath, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist. “I love you Dean Winchester. I’m sorry you haven’t been told often enough, but I’m going to make it my business to make sure you’re told so many times that you never forget it.”

Dean makes a noise that he’ll swear to his dying day isn’t a whimper and then Cas is leaning forward to press their lips together. Dean threads his fingers through Cas’ hair, trying to pull him closer as he opens his mouth to let Cas’ tongue in.

He’s almost certain they could have stayed like this forever if Sam didn’t start yelling for him.

“Dean! Dean, where are the fireworks? Dean!”

Dean groans, pressing his forehead to Cas’ collarbone.

“It’s okay, we have time.” Cas whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of Dean’s head, before sliding off his legs. “C’mon, let’s go before your brother comes looking for us.”

Dean gets up, adjusting himself as subtly as he can and throws Cas a glare when he smirks at him.

Dean follows Cas back into the yard, doing his best not to look like he’s just made out with the possibly, maybe love of his god-damn life. Thankfully Sam is acting like the overgrown moose that he is and prancing around excitedly when Dean appears.

“Dean! Bobby found the fireworks, thank you so much for getting them.”

Dean grins at him as Cas goes to talk to Charlie. “Anything for my little brother.”

Sam rolls his eyes half-heartedly before sprinting off to stand with Jess as the first fireworks light up the sky.

Dean looks over at Cas who is staring at the gold sparks in the sky, an expression of such utter joy on his face that Dean has to look away.

 

* * *

 

The party winds down eventually and when Bobby and Ellen leave, Dean finds himself helping Sam to distribute blankets and allocate sleeping places. Charlie and Jo decide to share the guest bedroom, so Garth and Kevin get the fold out couch in the den. Viktor actually thought ahead and brought an air mattress that he sets up in the living room, leaving Cas to sleep on the sofa.

Dean putters around a bit trying to help, but when it becomes clear that he’s just getting in the way, he wishes them all a good night and heads upstairs to get ready for bed. By the time his teeth are brushed and he’s changed into his pyjamas he’s almost convinced himself he dreamt the whole day. Because surely Cas can’t really like him – let alone love him. He slides into bed and decides he might as well try and sleep instead of working himself into a panic that his therapist will force him to try and work through.

It doesn’t work. He’s awake as one after the other, Sam’s friends use the bathroom and go to bed, until finally he hears Sam and Jess go to bed.

He’s just about to drop off when his door creaks open. He scrambles upright, just a little bit afraid until he sees Cas standing in the doorway and he relaxes.

“Oh, it’s you.” Dean says and Cas nods.

“Can I come in?” He asks quietly and Dean smiles, nodding. Cas steps into the room, carefully closing the door behind him.

Dean moves over a little and folds back the covers, silently inviting Cas to slide into bed beside him. Cas does just that, shuffling under the blankets.

“So, um, what are you doing here?” Dean asks quietly.

Cas looks a little shy for the first time. “I uh, I wanted to see you again.”

“You did?” Dean asks, unable to stop the smile from spreading across his face.

Cas nods. “Yeah. And I really wanted to do this again.” And then he’s kissing Dean again, hands in his hair and one leg between Dean’s.

Dean groans, rolling his hips into Cas’, freezing when he feels him hard against him.

“Dean? Is this okay?” Cas asks, a little crease of concern over his nose.

Dean nods, panting a little. “Yeah, yeah, it’s just… new, that’s all.”

Cas smiles. “New is good though, right?”

Dean kisses him again. “Yeah, very good.”

Cas rolls on top of him and then all Dean knows is the desperate need for friction, the heat from Cas’ mouth, and Cas’ hand stroking them both until they’re both panting and sticky.

“Oh god.” Dean groans when Cas has wiped them both down and has his head pillowed on Dean’s chest. “I’ve been wanting to do that for years.”

Cas huffs a laugh against his skin. “Yeah, me too.”

“Do you have to go back downstairs?” Dean asks tentatively. “Or… can you stay?”

Cas draws him into another lengthy kiss, before he answers. “They’re all pretty drunk, I don’t think they’ll be up early enough to notice whether I slept on the sofa or not.”

Dean tries to hide his smile, but he knows he isn’t fooling Cas when he hauls him into his arms.

“I love you, Cas.” Dean says quietly.

“Oh Dean, I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean is woken the next morning, as he has been many mornings in his life, by Sam crashing into his room.

“Dean, have you seen – oh!”

Dean scrambles upright, staring horrified between his shocked brother and Cas who is blearily blinking at Sam from beside him.

“Sam, I. I can explain.” Dean says as Sam continues to stare at him.

“Sam? Did you find Cas?” Jess appears behind Sam and Dean has never been so grateful for his brother’s girlfriend as in this moment when she takes one look at the situation and starts to drag a still speechless Sam out of the room. “We’ll give you two some time, we were just looking for Cas to tell him breakfast is ready. Why don’t you both come down whenever you’re ready.”

Then she’s gone, taking Sam with her and shutting the door behind them.

“Fuck.” Dean groans, flopping back onto the bed.

Cas wraps his arms around him, pressing his nose to his neck. “It’s okay Dean, he was just surprised.”

Dean nods, blinking frantically as tears begin to form in the corners of his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. At least he didn’t yell, right?”

“Oh Dean, he won’t yell. He is not your father and I promise I won’t let him hurt you, okay?” Cas says, pressing a kiss into Dean’s skin.

“I just don’t know what to think. My dad always told me that people like me didn’t get to be happy or have relationships. But you’re here, even though I spent years acting like a jerk, and now you're telling me that you love me.”

Cas sighs and rolls over so his full weight is resting on top of Dean. “Dean, your father was terrible, I always knew that – not everything he did obviously – and he was wrong. About you, about your life. I always liked you, always loved you a little bit too because despite everything, I saw the good man that you are deep inside. Your soul shines bright Dean Winchester and just because your father couldn’t see that, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. You’ve been through so much and come out stronger for it. Everyone is proud of you and Sam will not think any less of you for trying to find some happiness.”

Dean’s breath hitches a little and he leans up to touch his lips to Cas’. “Thank you, Cas.”

Cas smiles. “Any time, Dean. Now, we should probably get up before your brother comes barging back in here.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dean would never have made it into the kitchen if Cas hadn’t entwined their fingers and dragged him down the stairs. The house was surprisingly quiet, with just Sam and Jess sitting in the kitchen.

“Hello Sam, where is everyone?” Cas asks.

Jess smiles at them. “Oh they decided to go to the Roadhouse for breakfast.”

Cas nods, taking a seat at the battered kitchen table and tugging on Dean’s hand until he sits down too.

“So,” Dean starts, only to be interrupted by Sam.

“What the fuck, Dean?” he asks loudly, making both Dean and Jess jump. “Since when are you gay?”

Dean colours, looking down at the table. “Um, since always?”

“Since always?” Sam asks a little faintly, leaning back in his chair.

“That’s usually how it works.” Cas says dryly, making Jess giggle.

Sam scowls. “Right. Obviously. So everything, when you were younger, and at dad’s funeral? That was just, what? You trying to get to grips with liking men?”

Dean’s fingers involuntarily tighten around Cas’. When Sam says it like that, it all seems so trivial. He turned into a functioning alcoholic because his dad wasn’t very nice and he couldn’t deal with being attracted to men.

“I’d say that’s a bit of an oversimplification.” Cas says frostily as if he can read Dean's mind.

Sam looks a bit surprised at his tone. “No offence, Cas, but what exactly do you have to do with all this? Apart from the obvious of course.”

Cas shrugs. “That’s kind of it, just the obvious I mean.”

“He makes me happy, Sam. And I didn’t think I’d ever get that.” Dean says quietly, trying to keep his voice steady.

Sam frowns. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you get that? You’ve been sober a long time Dean, you’ve done so much to get your life back on track.”

Cas disentangles their fingers so he can move his hand to the back of Dean’s neck where he starts to stroke his hair. Dean turns to look at him and Cas gives him an encouraging smile. “You should tell him if you feel able to Dean.”

“Tell me what?” Sam asks and even Jess looks confused.

Dean concentrates on the feeling of Cas’ hand in his hair for a minute, before speaking. “Yeah um, the drinking, that wasn’t just because of… because I’m, well gay. It was cause of dad.”

“Because of dad? I know he wasn’t great but –”

“No.” Dean interrupts Sam. “You don’t know. I know he yelled at you a lot and that wasn’t fair, but you could have had it worse.”

Understanding is spreading across Sam’s face. “Dean, did he… Did he hit you?”

Dean shrugs, trying not to think about all the times John Winchester laid hands on him. “It was what it was, but it just… screwed me up for a long time.”

Sam looks a little heartbroken. “How did I not know? I lived in the same house as you for years.”

“I didn’t want you to know, Sammy. You didn’t need to deal with that.”

“Jesus fuck Dean, but you did? You should have told me, instead of I don’t know – drinking yourself half to death.” Sam is shouting and his voice sounds a lot like John’s so Dean isn’t sure how much more of it he'll be able to take, but thankfully Cas steps in.

“Enough Sam.” Cas says, his voice commanding. “This was hard enough for Dean, he doesn’t need you yelling at him on top of it all.”

Sam looks suitably chastised. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“S’okay, Sammy.” Dean mutters.

“I just wish you had told me, is all.” Sam says.

Dean smiles. “I kind of wish I had too.”

Sam grins back, suddenly looking mischievous. “So, you and Cas. Is this a one time thing or are you guys together now?” Dean groans as Cas and Jess laugh. “Hey, you gave me a hard time about Jess, I should be allowed to do the same with you and Cas.”

“Yeah right bitch.” Dean says, flipping Sam off.

“Jerk.” His brother fires back.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m really proud of you.” Cas tells him when they’re in bed that night. Sam’s friends had returned from the Roadhouse an hour after Dean’s talk with Sam and taken to the new situation with surprising grace. Most of them took off before lunch, but Jo stuck around long enough to tease Dean mercilessly. He almost wanted to thank her for her easy acceptance, but decided against it when he saw the look on her face when Cas kissed his cheek, right there in front of everyone.

“I couldn’t have done it without you.” Dean says breathily as Cas kisses his way down Dean’s chest.

“Yes you could have. You’re pretty damn special, Dean.” Cas says, licking a stripe across the little pouch of fat on Dean's stomach that he knows is almost certainly the fault of his stress-eating.

Dean’s breath hitches and he lets out an airy giggle he will deny until his dying day. “God, I love you.”

Cas makes his way back up to Dean’s face and kisses him soundly. “I love you too, Dean.”

 

Cas never does end up going apartment hunting and his sweet peas look very good growing next to Dean’s lupines.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooooooo, how much did you love/hate this? Drop me a Kudos or leave a Comment, they're literally the only thing sustaining me right now. As always, thank you for reading xxxx


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